I don't really like electronic music. Probably 'cos a) I'm not a robot1; and b) I don't drive a lowered Hilux, play rugby league, take my shirt off at music festivals, eat disco biscuits like they're lifesavers, cliche, cliche, cliche... The Presets are the new Chisel, blah, blah, blah.
But for some reason I thought that when I was offered to review the new Crystal Castles record, I might like it. I'd read a bit about the band and if you believe half the shit that's been spouted by UK wank biscuits, they're the bee's knees.
So I listened to the record and I tried to write a review that sounded like it would be appropriate for someone that actually liked Crystal Castles or electronic music. It had a bunch of shit in it about androids and another bit about me being a robot and getting a piston erection over how good it was, followed by whacking off using WD-40 as lube. Essentially, I tried to be funny, and I failed miserably. Which is why when I sent the review in, the highly intelligent editor of this baby blue interweb music page decided not to publish it.
After giving the disc another spin, and although it may get me a bit of backlash from CC fans, like I copped with my last review (get over yourselves The National fans, ya cunts) I'm gonna give my honest opinion. I think it's shit.
I recognize that there are some good songs on the record, and I'm positive some of them would go off live (Baptism is sooo ravin'), but to tell you the truth, the quality of the album's production comes up way short [insert Gary Coleman death joke].
Half the time you can barely even hear Alice Glass' vocals. And when you do, they've been so manipulated they're hardly recognizable. While this worked when partnered with the more unfocused spastic music style of their debut, with the more linear focus this time around it just sounds flat and dull. The exception to this of course is the lead single Celestica, which jumps out like a pop tart with it's Groove Terminator worthy production2.
Basically, when it comes down to it, I didn't find any of the songs catchy. Plus all the weird production and vocal effects stuff aren't anything different to what Aphex Twin or The Knife have done before them.
Beat it Crystal Castles.
P.S. What's with having a second self-titled album name? Who do you think you are - Weezer?!3
1. If you've seen Grandma's Boy, you'll think that's fucking hilarious!
2. That Kool Keith song fucking ruled.
3. Joke = © Jonny Yes Yes.
Originally published in Polaroids of Androids
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