Record Review: The Vasco Era – Lucille

Fuck yes! The Vasco Era! I fucking love the Vasco Era! I was at a gig of theirs once and as I put my lips to my glass of beer I discovered my beverage had transformed into a testicle milkshake! That's how fucking hard the Vasco Era rock!

Okay, time to listen to their new record, Lucille. Am I ready? I've got my under 16s cricket kit on. I'm hidden behind this sturdy brick wall. Okay.

PLAY.

What the fuck is that? It sounds like Snow Patrol? Did I leave one of my ex-girlfriend's awful fucking CDs in the stereo tray?

EJECT.

W.T.F!!!! This is the Vasco Era???

PLAY.

What the fuck is this piano shit? Why is Sid singing like he's K.D. Lang and I'm wearing a vest? What's this pop build up shit and windmill guitar chords?

SKIP.

Ahhh, okay. Track 2. This is better. This the Vasco Era! Wait, who the fuck is that chick singing in the background? Why is she there? Ohhh, it sounds like when they try to get women to commentate the footy!

SKIP.

Track 3. Here we go again! This is the Vasco Era! Ballsy guitar rock, drum skins getting K.O.'d, bass strings getting choked out like David Carradine. Ohhh, who the fuck let that piano back in the room again? Oh and it's brought a fuckin' organ with it! For fuck sake!

SKIP.

Is this a cover of the Choir Boys?

SKIP.

Marimba?

SKIP.

Ohhh yeeeaaaahhhh booooiiiiiii! This is the Vasco Era! Tear my balls off with yah voice Sid! Ted's playing the wrong bass notes, but that's cool. Solid chorus, awesome guitars. The vocals sound a little like Feeder, but I'll let it slide.

Track 7. Okay, another power ballad. Still sounds like Feeder.

SKIP.

What's that weird reverse choir sound? Oh shit, the piano's back in. Sid's singing like a pussy again. Where's that scratch in his voice that rules so hard? "From my father I got these blue eyes and the knowledge that I'm stuck here." Wow, these lyrics actually taste like a testicle milkshake.

SKIP.

Oh yeah! Scream it Sid! Sick build up! Vocals went a bit lack lustre. Chorus time - ahhhh, the chick is ruining it again!

SKIP.

A slow number... Probably building up to something fucking awesome! Here we go... What? More Snow Patrol guitars? More sing along, power ballad vocals?

STOP.

What a waste of fucking time. I'm just gonna wait till they tour again.

Originally published in Polaroids of Androids